Am I Better Than Before… A Year of COVID

Do you remember what it felt like… your inner thoughts as life slowly embroiled into the pandemic known as COVID?  I recall it as surreal, not really accepting of what lay ahead - the epitome of “ignorance is bliss” perhaps?

On first reflection, when I close my eyes…  I feel chaos, I feel fear, I feel worry…  I worry about my loved ones, friends, and family.  I worry about those less fortunate and I feel despair as the worst of humanity rears its serpent head and mostly... I feel helpless.

I recall clearly, my first venture out of the house, following the return of Hugh’s daughter Claire from her travels abroad, and our ever-changing period of self-isolation.  As I left our home and made the journey toward town, the energy was palpable around me… within me.

The streets were eerily quiet, the parking lots too and the vibe was one of fear, distrust, panic, surrounded in this swirling force of “look out for number 1”.  Bile was literally rising from the pit of my being, seeing the empty shelves from store to store.  I had a moment of serious concern that we would actually run out of toilet paper - what was happening to me?

I drove home without the highly sought-after staples I had endured this new reality for… knowing this was not the way I would live for even a moment longer.  So, I grabbed my camera, exclaimed to Hugh “I’m running away”... and with Riley in tow headed out the door, down the road (the opposite direction), and found my solace on the hills overlooking the lake.

It’s funny, when I watch the recording from that day, I sound much calmer than what I feel even now in reliving that day almost a full year ago...

The news feed seemed full of doom, of horrors and the worst examples of humanity… around the world and just across (and within) our own borders the unthinkable was occurring.  It turns out, I didn’t have to look far for the “other side of the story”...  In choosing to stop listening to everything “COVID” and everything “Trump”, humanity took a different form, revealing its true purpose of love, kindness, compassion.

It’s not so much the world around me changed… as it is my perspective took a deep dive away from what was not in my control and toward what was...

“While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us.”Benjamin Franklin

Of course, such a lesson was not new to me, but never had it been so poignant in its truth.  I stopped following the bad news stories and looked for ways to celebrate and embrace good news stories instead.  Deep inside, a yearning to do something, to make a difference, to help even in some small way… was awakening.

I count myself especially fortunate… for the friends, I am surrounded by, for my family, and those whose path has crossed with mine if only for a rather short time.  My thoughts have often ruminated within and seldom made their way to being vocalized… it’s the curse of being a self-proclaimed introspect.

On this day, and for the many before, I find myself wondering, “Am I better than before COVID?”.  Have I taken the lessons available to me and become a better version of the person I am meant to be?  Am I a good friend?  Am I a worthy daughter/sister?  Am I doing enough to make the world a better place?

“Never forget that you are one of a kind.  Never forget that if there weren't any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn’t be here in the first place.  And never forget, no matter how overwhelming life’s challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world.  In fact, it is always because of one person that all changes that matter in the world come about.  So be that one person.”Buckminister Fuller

I find solace in knowing I am doing my best, showing up as the best version of myself each and every day.  YES... for now, I am a good friend, a worthy daughter/sister… I am doing enough with what I have and know.  And as I keep learning, growing, and becoming the new best version of myself, I am better than I was yesterday.  I am better than before COVID.  I am... making the world a better place.

How are you feeling a year into COVID?  What has changed for you?  I’d love to hear your story and your own reflections on this year known as COVID…  Share it with me HERE.