Forgiveness is the Greatest Gift You Give Yourself

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"Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a different past." 

~ Anne Lamott ~

Every once in a while I am reminded how far I am from that August day balled up on the leather chair in my therapist’s office… ‘coming undone’ as I like to call it.In this query into my past state, I contemplate, “What has brought me back to whole... to a place of greater peace and joy beyond my previous life?  How did it happen so quickly?  What is the secret sauce?”It seems to me there are two notable ingredients, neither being much of a secret.  Both require significant courage and presence of mind to open our heart and eyes to the possibilities in front of us… to let go of what has happened to us.By now you probably have figured at least one and while I’m not basing this on any specific research, my own experience suggests ‘Forgiveness’ to be a necessary component of ‘Self-Love’.Why am I so enamoured with either?  There’s a double edged sword (so to speak) on the journey of self-discovery.  Exploring the depths of self leads you to deeper, greater revelation than imagined.  As you unravel one layer, and then the next, the remaining seemingly open before you… with less and less effort (even the pain becomes less daunting).

The value of forgiveness

I remember from an early age, becoming aware of others’ ability to ‘hold a grudge’.  Close family members and friends who would dwell on wrong doings of others, become incensed at the sight or mention of a now immortal enemy.Even now in writing this, visuals of those I am surrounded by, holding on to past grievances, harm, heart break, mistakes…  those I care for deeply and bear witness to the wrath of their own and other’s inability or unwillingness to ‘forgive’ whatever it is still holding them hostage.If Nelson Mandela can forgive his political enemies and Dr Edith Eger her imprisonment under the most inhumane of conditions… how can we not find our own way to forgiveness?  For it is what truly “liberates the soul” and offers the freedom most of us hold so very dear - the freedom to choose a life of love, joy, kindness over a life of regret, anger, bitterness.

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“It’s not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.”  ~ Tyler Perry ~

I don’t know if I once held grudges… I suppose I must have at some point.  What I remember most is thinking to myself or encouraging out loud, “Just let it go.  It’s not worth losing a good friend.  What good comes from holding on?”  I somehow innately understood the healing power in forgiveness long before I understood the hurt of deep betrayal.It is this inner knowing I am most grateful for and without doubt understand the power it held in my moving forward from the crushing defeat of my first marriage.  I didn’t get there all on my own.  I had the most amazing sage advice... from my boss at the time.  I am forever grateful for his trust in sharing his own story.

The path to forgiveness

On this day I am now fully aware of the presence of another woman - a much younger other woman to add to the cliché. Sitting in my car with Michael about to drive him to the airport… his words imprinted to memory forever, saved me from getting lost in grief, anger and resentment.I’ll skip the preamble (yes there were tears) and start from, “If you really want to make it work, give it everything you’ve got… first you must pick a date - your line in the sand.  Until that day, do whatever it takes to save your marriage and commit to walking away... if he’s not of the same mind.”And so I did… I picked the day (September rings a bell) and went “all in”, prepared to forgive the lies, the betrayal, the weakness… there was a moment of fleeting hope and…Somewhere in the following year or two, we run into each other and the tears start to flow - his not mine, asking for forgiveness... to which I respond,  “I forgave you a long time ago.  It’s not my forgiveness you need, it’s yours.”Jump ahead another lifetime…  I’m reliving it all over again.  Denial of the other woman, lies, betrayal this time by he and her…The words from long ago echo in my mind, but the lesson will be much greater, the betrayal much deeper… the forgiveness of life altering magnitude.

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When forgiveness matters most

Flashback to the therapist's chair.  Between blubbery sobs and rivers of tears reality emerges with extraordinary clarity.  Whatever betrayal has been bestowed upon me, I now bear witness to the most colossal of all… BETRAYAL OF SELF.I did this to me!  I ignored it all… every heart wrenching ‘whoosh’ of knowing running deep through my soul.  Selling my home, moving in, saying yes when everything in my being was screaming “NO”.  Evidence was everywhere, limitless and inescapable. I did this to me!And so my journey spirals into a world of 'holy shit '... the eventual discovery of all the hidden treasures of me.  But first there would be deeper pain… rock bottom was close yet still elusive…  choosing to slow its approach, biding its time...  ensuring my undoing… readying for vanquishment.Now I relish in my undoing.  The cliché of ‘hitting rock bottom’ proves to be true.  It is what is needed in order to face all my former untruths.  Sure… I had forgiven, healed, grown through deep inner reflection.  But it was here in this post catastrophic consciousness I found the most important of all - forgiveness of self.Let there be no veil of pretense - ‘shit hit the fan’ and it was a long arduous climb.  One that I would repeat a million times over, for what it brought in knowing true love, joy, peace, freedom, purpose…

What does unforgiveness do?

“Unforgiveness creates an emotional storm of distress in which feelings of stress, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and fear surface. Unforgiveness also creates a hardened heart. The hardened heart feels anger, resentment, bitterness, and hatred toward the offender.” (source:  google search)Are you silently wondering, “Is it me of whom she writes?  Where am I withholding a life of true joy, freedom, peace, love?  Who/what have I failed to forgive?" (I mean really forgive - no pretending allowed).The answer is “YES”!  It is you for whom I write… it is my heartfelt desire to compel you one step closer... to forgiveness.  No matter how great the grievance, no matter how harmful the hurt, freedom lies in forgiveness.I hope this inspires you to forge your way to forgiving whatever and whoever is keeping you from living your extraordinary life.  It is time to let go… to free yourself from its burden.  If in sharing your story, you find strength and courage, I invite you to share with me here. Hi I’m Donna. I’m deeply passionate about helping people achieve more than they thought possible by creating habits and practices aligned with who you are and how you want to show up. If you’re even a little curious to explore where and how to find forgiveness, I invite you to a 30-minute no-obligation discovery call.