How I kicked FEAR in the ASS

Do you live in fear? What is that you fear most? These questions conjure a much different meaning amidst COVID-19 and all its implications.I have these moments of reflection and recognition of how significantly I have changed my life’s path….. And yet I remain haunted by a deeply rooted belief system I have yet to exorcise from my being.Here’s how that belief system showed up just this past week.

WHAT IF.....

Go ahead, finish the sentence. How many “what if’s” have kept you from doing something you really wanted? What have you talked yourself out of without even knowing the reason why? Worse yet….. what runaway train did your thoughts hop aboard, racing beyond reason, to a crippling state of paranoia?Well... recently, I hopped on that train and it careened its way toward an inner barrage of verbal abuse and self-blame…. what brought it on you ask………. I had dinner with a friend.

I had dinner with a friend! How does that become anything but joyful and fulfilling? Enter COVID-19 and all that it brings in fear, doubt, and the unknown.

I have a theory. Granted it is not grounded in research or proven outcomes of any sort. It’s just my speculatory self trying to understand why I do what I do…. what triggers one response over another…. why I can so quickly still move to self retribution and… oh so slowly to forgiveness.I had dinner with a friend. Her husband arranged for a “socially distant” SURPRISE dinner on the deck to celebrate her 55th birthday. It was a picture-perfect surprise, still bringing a smile to my face…. how she jumped from her chair, her eyes lighting up as we moved to embrace…… STOP!Here’s when things got awkward. We both screeched to a halt (metaphorically of course) as we realized our faux pas…. just in the nick of time. Stopping within mere inches of the requisite 2-meter mark…. we PAUSED…. and then we CURSED COVID…. in unison... finally feigning a touching of elbows from afar.Things settled in as we sat and slowly it felt more normal…. more like “the old days” of merely a few weeks ago. Sipping wine, chatting about life…. suggesting off-limit topics… the first? COVID-19, the other… “WORK” and finally…. NO TRUMP! Of course, we ended up talking about all that was forbidden.

Then this happened...

I was ill-prepared for what would come next….. an incessant state of worry. It began as soon as I awoke the next morning…. a foreboding… an anxiety, rising menacingly in my abdomen, flowing through my chest, constricting my throat, settling behind my eyes with a resonant KABOOM! ….. and no it wasn’t from the wine - although we did drink our share.A few years ago, I started having panic attacks for no apparent reason (in my mind). They would take over my mind and body without warning, creating a state of frenzy that would envelop and freeze my ability to grasp any semblance of reason. I remember vividly one such moment….. driving in circles, searching for the veterinary clinic I had been visiting for many years….. for almost an hour!If you’ve been there, you can feel it right now…. your stomach convulsing, its contents sludging up to your throat, feeling utter helplessness…. and then the waterworks, slowly at first….. trying to talk them back… “Don’t you cry! Don’t you dare CRY!” Tears inevitably flowing down your face… your lungs being squeezed as if in a vice…. choking for air.

Yep, I remember….

It took me a while to figure it out, to realize what was happening, and longer to reveal its cause.We sat shoulder to shoulder, a momentary lapse in “distancing”, an intuitive action to appreciate our love, our bond of friendship… an action that only weeks before would be without consequence.There it was, in all its horrid reality, I had allowed emotion to overtake reason. I had been weak! All the self-loathing “wisdom” of the past ravaged my thoughts. How could I be so STUPID? How could I take such a risk, give in so easily?Even as I write this, it seems so absurd… this reaction, the volatility that ensued for days afterward. But then I remember…. We are living in absurdity, in unusual, precarious circumstances.So I had a choice to make. I could continue down the tunnel of fear, detriment, and self-incrimination… and so I did for a few days…. OR…. I could come to terms with what I’d done. I could bring reason to the situation - not excuses and certainly not intended to discount what is happening at the front lines of this pandemic and those who risk their lives every day. BUT... I could forgive myself.How did I forgive myself? I began by recognizing the abundance of caution I had taken to that point…. and to appreciate and trust she had been doing the same, for we both have those we love at risk. Fully respecting the guidance of the experts, I took some refuge in accepting I had mitigated my risk as best I could to that point.

What did I learn?

It’s more that I was reminded. I was reminded of how FEAR can overtake us, stop us from experiencing new things, keep us from living our dreams. And most importantly, I was reminded that I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE IN FEAR! I will live with awareness, caution, and abide by the experts, but…. I WILL NOT LIVE IN FEAR….. even today!I realize in sharing this that it may incur disappointment, perhaps wrath from some for my misdeed. It needed to be shared because it happened and because it was an experience none of us should have to endure and yet we are… I know I’m not the first, I won’t be the last… and that saddens me greatly.I share it as I share all of my experiences, with the hope and intention that in some small way it helps!This musing is dedicated to you, the brave soul that you are as you navigate your life in the best way you know how. I am eternally grateful to those who serve all of us from the front lines…. for your courage, your fortitude and your sacrifice…. our newly (rightfully) defined HEROES.If you'd like to share your own moment of fear, panic, doubt…. happiness…. I’d love to hear from you.Did you enjoy this article? Here are 3 more you might be interested in: Mindful, Present, Loving, Accepting, Grateful am I5 Things to Help When You Wake Up Feeling PISSY7 Lessons for My 21-Year-Old Self